Im constantly amazed

I think people really can't be as thick, stupid or hateful as they really are. In Ponce De Leon, a small town in Florida last year a principal was asked for help from one of his students, the girl asking for help is a lesbian, and she was being taunted by some classmates. So...what does the principal do to the girl asking for help?! He told her that being gay is wrong, then outed her to her parents...I guess that is the Christian way!

Some of this girls friends found the treatment outrageous so they wore gay pride t-shirts in support or t-shirts with rainbows. I wonder what happened to them? Well, first there was a witch hunt (the courts words not mine) by the principal to find more gays, then some students were suspended for daring to support their friend (what a terrible personality trait, wanting to stick by and support your friends, better crush that as fast as we can).

"We are a small, rural district in the Bible Belt with strong Christian beliefs and feel like homosexuality is wrong," said Steve Griffin, Holmes County's school superintendent. Interesting isn't it? From the highest authority in the school district we have people who think homosexuality is wrong...fine...but does that mean taking that personal belief and turning that belief into those kinds of hateful actions against children is well...

The principal was demoted but still teaches in the school...and the superintendent still believes they did nothing wrong. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with people!?!? They honestly can't see the effect such actions will have on children, or understand the hateful environment this will create for all of the gay kids who are in the closet. My god, who the fuck would come out there?!?!

I guess I have a totally different understanding of what the Christian ideal is than these types of people...I thought Christians were supposed to be loving, caring and understanding...rather than cruel, mean, harsh and well...fucking evil. Lets crush a young womans spirit, make her life hell, then talk about our great Christian values...well....fuck you...no wonder I am an Atheist!

I also can't understand how these people simply fail to read or understand the fucking law...seriously, how can they think their actions are legal?! Or that any court in the land would think its ok!? Are they so far removed from reality?!!? Can't they put aside their own retarded bias to do what is right for their own students!?!

"I guess I didn't realize we were this bad," Scott said...I guess you fucking didn't...asshole!

People wonder why I am so bitter and cynical...sigh...

أبو العلاء أحمد بن عبد الله بن سليمان التنوخي المعري

They all err - Muslims, Christians, Jews, and Magicians:
Two make Humanity's universal sect:
One man intelligent without religion,
And, one religious without intellect.
written by: أبو العلاء أحمد بن عبد الله بن سليمان التنوخي المعري

A poet (Al-Ma‘arri ) born in Syria in 973...already calling it as it is, we need to see more of this in the West!!

Swear Words??

Have you ever thought about how strange the very idea of swear words are? Words are used to communicate thoughts plain and simple, so why are we "offended" when people use swear words to communicate thoughts?! For example, I can comfortably say:

I am not happy with this product, it does not meet my needs and is poorly constructed.

But I can't say in polite company:

This is a piece of shit, what the fuck am I supposed to do with it?

Both essentially communicate the same thoughts, but one uses polite words, and one uses swear words.

One legitimate criticism of swear words is that they are very vague and thus they may not be the best words to communicate exactly ones thoughts. That being said, why is the use of swear words so shocking to some people?

When President Bush called a reporter an "Asshole", some people were stunned that the President would use such language. I hate to break it to you, but most everyone (except my mom) swears quite regularly. So why cant we swear in public? Why cant we swear on television? What the hell is so wrong about using some words?

A word is a word is a word...you can use many combinations of the most polite words to hurt or insult someone...so what difference does it make if one uses four letter words, or ones with more syllables to do damage?!

I must admit I have my own funny word bias, I happen to say "fuck" quite often...but only in the context of a general swear...I have never ever been one to say to a woman "Lets fuck", or "fuck me" or anything along those lines...its always been "make love" or "fool around" or "have sex"...don't ask me why, but its something I have never done.

Words...they are funny! So, think about it, what the fuck is so wrong about swearing!?

What happened to Fluffy?!

Ever wonder what happens to all of those pets that euthanized every year? From what I can tell it looks like 6-10 million pets are killed every year in the US & Canada. That is a huge number of dead animals, ever wonder what happens to the dead bodies?

I was shocked to discover that it is very common practice to take the carcasses to a rendering plants and turn them into pet food, or food for livestock. That's right, they pump the animal with enough chemicals to kill them, then turn the chemically filled bodies into food for other animals.

It turns out that the most common chemical used to put down is called "pentobarbital", and a study by the FDA suggest that pentobarbital is capable of surviving the rendering process.

The FDA has found pentobarbital in many pet foods it has tested. Linky

Now let me spell this out clearly, millions of animals are euthanized every year using the chemical pentobarbital. We have many reports of these dead animals being taken to rendering plants. In case you think Im making this up, check out this page and click on "What's Cookin". We have the FDA finding the very chemical used to kill these animals found in many of the pet foods it tested.

The pet food industry as a whole denies that euthanized pets ever become pet food despite the evidence (wonder why?!), the pet food industry claims that FDA studies have shown that they found no Dog or Cat in pet foods...The claim is that pentobarbital is making its way into pet foods via euthanized horses and cows.

...it is assumed that the pentobarbital residues are entering pet foods from euthanized, rendered cattle or even horses. Source

We know for a fact that euthanized pets are being rendered into feed, the question is, is this feed going directly back to pets? Or is it going to Cattle/Horses/Chickens, who then ironically are fed back to pets?! One thing is 100% clear, dead animals are being recycled and fed to other animals, and the process is being repeated.

Isn't this how mad cow was spread?!?!

A British inquiry into BSE concluded that the epidemic was caused by cattle, who are normally herbivores, being fed the remains of other cattle in the form of meat and bone meal (MBM), which caused the infectious agent to spread. Source

Seriously, how stupid are we?! In order to stop the spread of mad cow, we stop feeding dead cows back to cows...so we feed them to pets, who we then feedback to cows...my lord...its almost comical how fucking stupid people are...

Guide to Metal

What can I say...this is fucking awesome!!!!

War on Terror

Atheism and Buddhism

Can you be an Atheist and a Buddhist? Are these approaches to life mutually exclusive? I use to tell people I am a Buddhist then in passing mention I am an Atheist as well, which would confound and confuse, so now I generally just stick to the "I am an Atheist" approach to self labelling.

The famous quote from the Buddha is what empowers me to cover myself in both blankets:

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

While this may seem like a common sense approach to a philosophy to base ones life on, you will find literally no "religion" espouses this view other than Buddhism. Can you imagine Christian or Islamic teachers telling you to use your own reason and accept only that which makes sense to you?!

Why would I call myself a Buddhist? Buddhism when you boil it down, amounts to living ones life by doing as little harm as possible, living with kindness and compassion and trying to be aware of the moment. Buddhism also has a strong sense of a duality of existence, that is we are made up of both the mind and body.

The concept of trying to be aware of the moment, to quiet the mind and not let it race along with thoughts at breakneck speeds is something that very much appeals to me. No matter that I am very bad at quieting my mind!

Meditation is also something I strongly believe in, and was once a great practitioner of, as of late I have rarely made time to meditate. This is something I aim to change in the coming days.

Do I believe in the Buddhist notions of nirvana or reincarnation? No, I do not believe in either of these two tenants of Buddhism. I don't believe that disqualifies me from owning that label and following some Buddhist practises.

One of the major problems I always had with traditional Buddhism was the formal priesthood and temples, both of which are concepts I would argue go against the teachings of Buddha. One of the major reasons I stopped using the label Buddhist for myself was the fact that everyone seemed to associate the temples and monks with Buddhism, and I wanted to distance myself from this. Then I happened upon this quote from the Dali lama:

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.

Suddenly I feel its safe for me to once again wear the moniker of Buddhism. Now does that mean I believe or support everything that the Dali Lama says? Well, if you have ever read the bullshit that the Dali Lama says about sex, its clear that I can't support all of his views. He also believes in Nirvana and reincarnation, so there is still a huge gap in terms of beliefs between the two of us!

Crazy?!

Some people seem to have a very lose grasp of reality. I was surfing around the net and came across this site.

This person, Dr. Bruce Goldberg claims that time travel will be invented 3050 by a man named Taatos, he then goes on to give all kinds of details about this...I really can't add much to this discussion as it takes a certain kind of crazy to believe this shit.

Luckily for you and me, this guy offers tapes! For only $75 you too can purchase all 7 cd's worth!!! A time traveling dentist, just what the world needed! For 60 seconds of laughs its worth visiting his site...ok maybe 30 seconds...I laughed!

Financial Melt Down Explained

My good friend Alan sent me a link to a radio show from National Public Radio in Chicago which delved into the entire financial crisis, it does an excellent job at explaining both the macro and micro issues involved. Its an hour long, but well worth it if you really want to understand what happened.

Link to the radio show.

Free Speech in Canada?!

We Canadians often carry a quiet arrogance about how civilized and developed we are as a nation, yet we are blind to the very real and very dangerous short comings in our civil society. Most Canadians aren't aware of our collective lack of rights, Canadians wrongly assume our rights mirror those of our American cousins.

I think most young people sleep through the lesson on "Peace Order and Good Government" while in middle school. Unlike Americans, we have an extremely weak constitution whose rules only protect us as long as the government sees fit. There is not one clause in our constitution which cannot be overridden by either the Federal or Provincial governments! When I tell my good American friends, that at any point in our constitution can be thrown out due to the "Not Withstanding Clause" at any time for any reason they are horrified. What is the point of a constitution if it cannot stand up to our government?! The whole point of a constitution is to protect an individual from government.

The federal Parliament or a provincial legislature may declare a law or part of a law to apply temporarily "notwithstanding" countermanding sections of the Charter, thereby nullifying any judicial review by overriding the Charter protections for a limited period of time. This is done by including a section in the law clearly specifying which rights have been overridden. The rights to be overridden, however, must be either a fundamental right (e.g., section 2 freedom of expression, religion, association, etc), a legal right (e.g., liberty, search and seizure, cruel and unusual punishment, etc), or a section 15 equality right.

Can you imagine the Americans putting up with this?! Ok, so in general this bothers me a great deal, today my specific concern about current Canadian law is free speech. In Canada it ain't so free!

If you want to be shocked, take a look at this, this is a transcript from a Human Rights Tribunal, May 10, 2007.

Q: MS KULASZKA: Mr. Steacy, you were talking before about context and how important it is when you do your investigation. What value do you give freedom of speech when you investigate one of these complaints?

MR. STEACY: Freedom of speech is an American concept, so I don't give it any value.

MS KULASZKA: Okay. That was a clear answer.

MR. STEACY: It's not my job to give value to an American concept.

Mr. Steacy is an investigator with the Canadian Human Rights Commission. That's right!, his job since 1997 has been to investigate human rights complains within Canada for a decade at the point of this exchange. His job is to know the law inside and out, and look for violations, and his conclusion is what?! Let me spell it out again: Freedom of speech is an American concept, so I don't give it any value.

Of course this bullshit position by a Canadian government official barely raised an eyebrow from the Canadian public and media. Once again Canadian apathy strikes! Well fuck that, freedom of speech is not an American concept, its a human concept!

When the government tried to do some damage control due to the whisper of discontent about Mr.Steacy's comments, they came out with this gem:

What the fuck?!!? Canadian value of freedom of expression is different from the American value of freedom of speech?! Are you serious!? Well, legally there is some truth to the matter...care to compare how many books are banned in Canada each year compared to the US. Or how many people are prosecuted for so called "hate speech".

This is infact the bullshit which pisses me off so much. Are we that scared of people in Canada that we cannot allow some dipshits to spew hate?! If someone wants to say something about Muslims, or Jews, or Whites, or Blacks etc, they should be allowed to. What are we so scared about?!?!

Should there be limits to speech?! Well of course threats, fraud and criminal conspiracies should be illegal. But peoples opinions, well seriously what is wrong with people being able to spout all kinds of bullshit?! Should my anti-religious tirade be illegal because they offend someone?! In Alberta, if I say something which offends a particular religious group I can be dragged before the Human Rights commission where I could face fines or prison for simply offending someone!!! Think Im kidding?! Canadian journalist and fellow allumni Ezra Levant was dragged before the tribunal for daring to publish the Danish cartoons which offended muslims. He printed a fucking cartoon and that cost him tens of thousands of dollars because some fucking over sensitive douche bags were offended by a cartoon! Here's his take on it.

This is plain wrong. I am ashamed of a country which is so scared that words upset or hurt people, that we are willing to prosecute those who dare say something offensive. Canadians we should all be ashamed, and people should know their rights, or in this case, lack of rights.

Why wont the christians save me!?

I reject Christ as my savior! The idea that some sort of zombie came back from the dead to save me from the sin of being born is something I cannot and will not accept. Ok, this topic isn't about why I reject all gods (unlike Christians who reject all gods but one), it is about why the Christians don't want to save me!

If I am a Christian who believes most of the bible (as an aside I must note that literally every single Christian who I have had the pleasure of debating picks and chooses parts of the bible and their various religions to believe in, and rejects other parts) then I must believe that someone who thinks and talks like Mr.Big will spend an eternity in hell!

The wicked shall be turned into hell, and all the nations that forget God.
Psalm 9:17

Im not even a nation, just one annoying arrogant guy! Since I am one man forgetting god, it must be pretty safe to assume it will be the fires of hell for me!

I have challenged a few of my closest christian friends with the question on why they won't save me. The bible is pretty clear that they are walking a dangerous path even associating with me:

"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?" 2 Corinthians 6:14-17

"I have not sat with idolatrous mortals, Nor will I go in with hypocrites. I have hated the assembly of evildoers, And will not sit with the wicked. I will wash my hands in innocence; So I will go about Your altar, O LORD, That I may proclaim with the voice of thanksgiving, And tell of all Your wondrous works."
Psalm 26:4-7

"An unjust man is an abomination to the righteous, And he who is upright in the way is an abomination to the wicked."
Proverb 29:27

And my favourite

"Do not be deceived: Evil company corrupts good habits."
1 Corinthians 15:33

I kinda like the idea that just being around me is a threat to someones beliefs, how strong the fear is that people will be easily swayed that the bible goes so far to state its dangerous to spend time in the company of people like me! Ok, I'm off topic...

If someone cares about me and truly believes I will spend FOREVER burning in hell fire why aren't they trying to save me? One would think that hell is the absolute worst place for anyone to be, yet people who laugh and joke with me are simply ok with the idea that I suffer forever in hellfire!

If I truly believed that someone would suffer an eternity in hell, I think I would do everything in my power to save them. Yet all of my Christian friends basically don't even try to save me from an eternity in hellfire! Do these people even like me?!!? Why on earth don't they try to save me!? Why aren't they trying to show me the path to righteousness? Why aren't they appealing to my emotional side? My intellectual side? Why will they let me burn?!

Ok, perhaps they want me to burn for being godless, I guess that is a possibility, but the people I have in mind are really good people, who seem to like me. So I am left wondering, why?!

When push comes to shove, perhaps they don't think I will burn, or that there is no hell, or that maybe not following some arbitrary rules laid down by bronze age sheep herders wont get one eternal damnation.

I think the real reason Christians don't want to save me is that by trying to convince an ardent atheist like myself about the existance of God they need to examine their own faiths critically as I ask some hard questions that aren't easy to answer. That is when talking with a Christian it often comes down to a statement like "You just have to have faith". One of my favourite atheists summed this up best when speaking with believers. as they often respond like this:

"I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith." That's just a long-winded religious way to say, "shut up," or another two words that the FCC likes less. But all obscenity is less insulting than, "How I was brought up and my imaginary friend means more to me than anything you can ever say or do."
Penn Jillette

Enough of the serious talk...this is what I feel like:

The Future

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
-Mark Twain

I wonder if I make more of issues in my life than I should. Humans are really very interesting creatures that we are able to ponder and imagine as much as we do. This is both a gift and a curse of course, depending on your mood and your perspective. You can look at a given situation and imagine how wonderful the future could be or despair at what could go wrong! In my experience things rarely work out like I thought, either for the good or the bad.

I spend a great deal of time thinking about things in my life, and I wonder if much of that effort is wasted time and energy. I do get into the trap of churning over things, which leads literally to nowhere other than to drive me crazy. I know I do this, so when I find myself falling into a trap of churning over a topic I force myself to stop thinking about it.

Acting without any thought doesn't seem like the best approach to life either, I have a very stupid impulsive side that takes hold from time to time, and rarely am I happy with the results although when I am being impulsive at that moment, it does feel very liberating, even when I do something I know is basically stupid. Of course that "high" of doing something impulsive lasts about 10 seconds, while the implications of these impulsive decisions can last a lifetime.

Finding the balance between being thoughtful about life and avoiding mental churn is really the key for me. I tend to fall on the side of over-thinking things for the most part which I know some people don't understand.

I am not surprised people "find" religion in the grand scheme of life. I think those with faith must find a lot of comfort when struggling with the various things that come up, not to mention religion often offers a set of instructions to deal with things.

The theory of just living life, and not stressing too much is something I very much agree with on an intellectual level, but I can't seem to internalize this approach to life. I tend to brood over things, I really wish I could deny this, but its true. In the movies the girls always love the brooding mysterious guy, the reality is the brooding guy isn't really that much fun! Maybe I just need to drink, that seems to eliminate brooding and what could go wrong with that plan?!

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
-Mark Twain

Self Worth

When we are teenagers a great deal of our feelings of self worth come from what our peers think of us. How we are perceived by the people who count in our lives basically frames what we think of ourselves. As we get older and more mature the opinion of our peers generally matters less as we grow more self confident.

I believe how we think about ourselves is always a mix of our own internal commentary and the opinion of those around us, this mix is often in flux. It takes a very strong person who is really confident in their own skin not to be influenced about what others think of us, especially those whose opinions matter most.

How do we know what others think of us? They often tell us! Words from the people you love are absolutely key...the right words or the wrong words can either build us up or destroy us. I think the basic difference between adults and teenagers in this regards is whose opinion matters. When we are teenagers, we often value peoples opinions who we don't like, let alone that we are close to. As we get older we understand that most peoples opinions don't really matter. We become selective in who we listen to, and who we want to impress. Its part of our hardwiring as social creatures, we want to build bonds with each other and the best way to build bonds is to have others like and love us.

When I was a young buck and had the world by its tail I really didn't care what anyone thought of me. I had many friends in university and I really thought I knew all about the world and how things worked and was extremely confident in my approach. I think this was in part because I was in such great physical shape, not only was I fighting fires in the summer I spent 2 hours a day in the gym. I was pretty selfish and thought I had all the answers, so peoples opinions really didn't matter that much. I didn't really look externally for validation as I believed I knew everything better than anyone else!

Now that I am older, the one thing in life that I know for certain is that I don't know all of the answers. Maybe that is really the key to maturing, that we realize we don't know it all, but it really should go hand-in-hand with not looking that hard for external validation.

I've been going through a number of existential issues as of late, one of which is my own worth...what value do I add to my relationships? What value do I add to work? To life etc? How does my own opinion reflect the reality? Maybe it is a completely futile to even try to define this, but for whatever reason this is something I have been pondering over the last little while. I think it is all part of my effort to take stock of my life, and where I am on this crazy ride. Maybe it is a mid-life crisis!!! I know a little sports car will solve all of these problems!!

I think for awhile I greatly overestimated what value I add to many of the aspects of my life, that is work and relationships etc. Its not a bad thing to have a more realistic view of the world, and realize that I don't add anything particularly special to the mix, we can't all be superstars and that is ok. Maybe being ok with being painfully normal is really a secret to being happy and accepting of life.

I will let you know!

Chiropractors - What you need to know!

Since I have had so much backpain as of late, many well-meaning but totally misguided friends have suggested I visit a chiropractor. I reject the idea outright, because quite frankly it's for the most part a complete scam and a danger. I thought I would put together a bit of information which better proves my point rather than just sound like an opinionated oaf!

Anyone want to guess who created chiropractic medicine? What kind of medical expert discovered the merits of this "science" through years of painstaking research?! Oh, well it wasn't a doctor, nor a specialist in anatomy, nope it was a grocer...yes that's right, the creator of this wonderful medical procedure was a grocer!!! Daniel David Palmer, not only was a grocer but he also practiced the art of magnetic healing. Don't fear he did read some books on anatomy before he began suggesting that people pull on each others spines. His central theory was that a subluxated vertebra… is the cause of 95 percent of all diseases. …The other five percent is caused by displaced joints other than those of the vertebral. Do you believe that?! All disease is caused by the spine?! seriously what the fuck?! Ok, we know better now right?

The Association of Chiropractic Colleges bolstered support for this theory in 1996 when the presidents of all 16 North American chiropractic colleges reached a consensus and issued a position paper stating that "Chiropractic is concerned with the preservation and restoration of health, and focuses particular attention on the subluxation."
(Association of Chiropractic Colleges. A position paper on chiropractic. Journal of Manipulative and Physiological Therapeutics 19:633-637, 1997)

So the question begging to be answered is what is a subluxated vertebra? According to Wikipedia a vertebral subluxation is defined by chiropractors as a relatively common condition in which a spinal vertebra has lost its proper juxtaposition with one or both of its neighboring vertebrae.

Well that is not entirely acurate if you google this subject you will find that some chiropractors argue that subluxation may not only be out of place vertebra but it could also be joints or joint mobility or pinched nerves or...well the list goes on, it turns out that lots of chiropractors have lots of ideas about what subluxation is, but they hold one thing in common...give them money, and dammit they will fix it! And fixing it can cure not only backpain, but also asthma, acne, arthritus, MS, high blod pressure hell...it can even help with cancer! Don't believe me? Google for a chiropractor and see the claims they make.

Listen to how one site explains subluxation

When spinal bones are not in their proper place, the openings between them can narrow. The vertebrae can impinge on the nerves branching out from these spaces. This is commonly, though inaccurately, known as a "pinched nerve."

This interferes with the normal flow of energy along the nerve fibers. Messages traveling along the nerves will be distorted. If the full, normal energy flow cannot pass to and from the brain, some part of the body will be adversely affected

I guess I missed the part where energy passed through nerve endings...love the new age twist to it, very much like the other favorite of mine "Chi". Sorry to break it to the world, our nerves are not like fucking hoses!!! Seriously...people buy this crap!?

From the same site:

Unfortunately, there are many cells and organs in the body that do not send out any alarms to alert us that they are not functioning at 100% capacity. Because of vertebral subluxations, they will not be receiving a normal flow of energy. The instructions from the body's Innate Intelligence will not be getting through properly.

If a subluxation continues undetected, the organ may suffer great damage, yet we won't even be aware of it! Because subluxations can destroy a person's health without any visible signs, they are often called "the silent killer."

Ummmm...wow...

There is evidence that spinal manipulation can help with back pain and neck pain, I will not deny that. By spinal manipulation I mean, stretching, physical therapy, massage etc! According to a study published in the October 8, 1998, New England Journal of Medicine, spinal manipulation done by a chiropractor may be no more effective than physical therapy in the treatment of back pain and only marginally more effective than following a self-help instruction booklet. hmmm stretching yourself maybe as effective as paying thousands of dollars to a chiropractor...interesting!

I will address neck manipulations in another blog...because they are just wow...so bad I cant stand it...

First Time

I had my first ever massage at the hands of a professional yesterday. I know many people make use of the services of a masseuse, but I never have. I have been having back and chest pain due to stress for the last 8 weeks or so, a friend suggested that I try a massage to see if it would help. The very idea of some stranger touching me has always put me off getting a proper massage, but my back has really been driving me crazy, so I thought why not?! and went for it and booked at 60 minute massage at the spa close to my house.

After I arrived and filled out the forms they make you fill out I was led to a little dark room where there was some new age mellow music playing. The masseuse (Mary) told me to strip down then get under the blanket on the table...I was like "Can I just take my shirt off?" and she said I could do whatever I am comfortable with, but she noted most people stripped to their underwear. This is very weird, getting practically naked so a woman I don't know can oil me down and rub me! Ug, I decided that I better put that thought out of my mind, and just try to relax and go with the flow. So I relented and stripped to my underpants (as my son loves to call them) and climbed on the table.

A minute or so passed and she returned and the massage began. I was still thinking how totally strange it was to have some woman I don't know touch me in such a familiar way. She managed to zero in on the exact spots on my back and shoulders where I hurt. I was literally amazed that she seemed to know exactly where my trouble areas were and work on them. I had to remind myself more than once to just relax and not stress about the experience.

This maybe silly, but I think the physical touch of another human being is something we all need and is something I was missing. My son is very physical with me, that is not only do we play fight all the time, but he likes to sit on me, and hug me, and cuddle with me. He hasn't been around for more than a week and I think I really missed the physical contact. Just being touched was something I guess I was missing, and I didn't realize how much until I was having the massage.

I found the whole thing to be a positive experience, it really helped my back which was the entire point, it pushed me outside of my comfort zone...which is another good thing. I still find the idea of a stranger touching you to be very weird, especially at how close she was, I could literally feel her breath on me a few times. I have booked another massage a week and a half from now, I think since I've been through it once and have an idea of what to expect I should be able to relax more. Overall this is something I would recommend, especially if you can turn off your own internal commentary!!

Days

Broken Dreams
Days march on
Doors begin to close
Clouds gather on the horizon
Something changes

Hold my breath
Reach out and take a hold
The mist parts

An old man smiles
The sunlight drips though
Azure skies
morning dew between toes
The search
Does it ever end?

Tears

My son was crying the other day and I told him it was ok to cry, and he replied that I never cry...how wrong he is. Its funny after my father died (1993) I don't think I cried until until my son was in the hospital with complications after birth, which would mean I basically didn't cry for 9 years. I didn't cry much after that incident with my son either, not for years. I have made up for it over the last year or two.

From Wikipedia "According to a study of over 300 adults, on average men cry once every month, and women cry at least five times per month", so it looks like people cry a lot more than I use to! From the same article "Due to the chemical composition of emotional tears, some scientists have hypothesized that a function of crying is to rid the body of stress hormones. " I totally agree with this, crying tends to make me feel better, while its certainly not the be all ended, it does help take the edge off of emotions for me.

I was kind of happy that my son hadn't been aware of me crying, not that I'm ashamed of it, or because I think it shows a lack of manliness, but more because it shows he hasn't been too aware of the stress between my wife and myself.

My wife and son left today for Israel, and he gave me his stuffed wolf "Arfy" to take care of. I've had this stuffed wolf by my side since he left...I've shed a few tears since then as well...

Attraction

Wikipedia refers to attraction as "the attraction between people which leads to friendships and romantic relationships...in a colloquial sense, interpersonal attraction is related to how much we like, love, dislike, or hate someone. Interpersonal attraction can be thought of as a force acting between two people tending to draw them together, and resisting their separation...attraction is a person's qualities that tend to attract by appealing to another person's desires."

So what is it that draws us together? How much of what attracts us to other people is instinct and how much is more thoughtful? Does what attracts us change over time? I think the latter question is the easiest to answer, that is yes what we are attracted to over time certainly changes. When we are teenagers and young adults the very things that attract us to some people can be repulsive when we get older. The silly bravado of young men is often appealing to young women (or so it seems to me), yet this quality in an older man looks foolish and pathetic and upon closer inspection speaks to a lack of self confidence rather than an excess of it.

I think there is an element of what is often referred to as animal magnetism between the sexes, where one feels attracted to another for a reason which is difficult to define. As we get older in particular this isn't enough to sustain a relationship. We demand more from a relationship than this purely instinctual attraction, well ok, some people don't demand more...but people who have a clue certainly do.

Can you have a relationship with someone when this instinctual portion of the attraction isn't there? I'm not sure, as it does seem to be a basic or foundational aspect of our human relationships. I would like to be an idealist and say that yes indeed people can overcome a lack of animal magnetism and have a successful relationship, but the realist tells me that may not be the case. Or perhaps the reality is I am not capable of overcoming that type of gap and I really shouldn't speak for everyone else!

So what attracts us to each other? Are there things that we look for in partners? Or do we meet someone and that animal magnetism hits and we just appreciate the qualities of the person we feel the instinctual attraction to? I think the reality is that we do this to a degree, that we meet someone and things click, and we appreciate their qualities. I do think the more mature we are ( I wont say older as I think some people are better at this at younger ages) the more we are able to identify the things we want and need from a person in a relationship. It shouldn't be a surprise that what we want or need changes as we evolve. I guess the hope is to be in a relationship with someone who you grow together with.

What is it that draws us together? I think part of it has to be how the other person makes you feel about yourself. Which is why I can never understand people in abusive relationships, why stay with someone who makes you feel badly about yourself? Why do people stay with someone who calls them "stupid" or "ugly" or tells them their ideas are "stupid" etc? I just don't understand this at all. I have known more than one very intelligent attractive woman who has put up with this kind of treat meant, and I simply don't understand it at all. I wonder if there is an excitement quality that I just don't see. I think a real partner is someone who builds you up, not someone who tears you down.

I am really not an expert on this topic, hell Im not an expert on any topic of the heart...the one thing I have concluded is that human attraction is very complicated and is a moving target which is really not all that rational.

Sex is it serious business?

"Casual sex " is a term I have never really been able to get my mind around, ok I know what it means! Im not a complete idiot...I mean its something that I have a hard time internalizing. I can't picture myself being able to have sex which is basically devoid of meaning other than the act itself. I will admit that when I was very young I had a few what I would describe as meaningless encounters only because I didn't know what was going on, nor did I really think I would score!

I take sex and the stuff that surrounds it seriously, and have done so for a very long time, and this attitude has certainly caused me to have less sex than I could have had. I can recall several occassions while I was in university where I could have scored but I didnt follow through. I was a health nut in university and a gym freak, so I did get some attention from the fairer sex. I guess it didn't help that I was "scared" of women and didn't know how to speak to them. UG Im getting off topic here, back to sex, or the lack of sex...

My parents were rather puritan in their views, and all they ever said to us kids about sex was "Dont have it until you are married" which equipped all of the kids with great tools to function in the modern world!! I am sure that the serious upbringing from my parents is part of the reason for my attitude on sex.

My real question to myself is has this attitude served me well? Why take sex so seriously? Why not just have fun with it? Does sex have to be serious business? Is it really wrong to just have "fun" sex between consenting adults? I know the way Im wired I doubt I would be able to have casual sex as I would be wracked with guilt...for some reason to me sex is meant to be more than the act itself. Ok, another factor is I doubt I would be able to feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone I don't know or trust. I don't judge those who are having casual sex, I am pretty liberal in my views on sex, so its not a matter of that.

I guess from my last several posts its pretty clear that I am have some existential issues, which is nothing new for me, but given the life changes I am going through I am taking stock of alot of things. I wonder what good times I have deprived myself of, just because I hold such a romantic or sentimental view of sex. Should sex only be an expression of love?!

I guess I have sex on the brain because sex is a good stress reliever and I am going through a bit of stress...so of course because Im a fucktard I don't only think about having sex, but about the meaning behind sex...sigh...

Anger and Conflict

Conflict, is something I am not good at, at least not with those I care about. I have no problem getting into arguments with strangers or people I don't know that well, in fact when I was a young punk growing up from time to time I would come to blows with people to settle a dispute, thankfully I have grown past that!

Although I have a love of debate, I have a problem expressing my feelings with people I care about if I think that by expressing myself I will hurt their feelings. On the one hand I have this very strong personality, where I engage people in heated debate on all kinds of very sensitive issues all of the time, yet when it comes to my personal life I dare not express my feelings on many subjects for fear of causing hurt.

When I get to a certain point, when I am well and truly angry I can become very blunt and my care for hurting the other person drops dramatically. Even when I am totally pissed off and in the heat of a rage I don't resort to name calling or yelling...its just not what I do. Instances where I get to that level of anger are very rare, but they do happen. My problem, and it is a problem is that I shouldn't wait to get to that level of anger before I am willing to engage in a conflict.

The real problem with my approach is that by saving someones feelings in the short term, I end up doing damage in the long term. I mean, that if you have feelings about something, and you suppress them, or ignore them, you eventually build up resentment. Resentment is a massive threat to a relationship, as it slowly destroys things without you even being aware that its happening.

I use to argue all of the time with my sisters, especially when I was younger, but they would always personalize things and our fights would turn nasty. I found that if I didn't engage, peace would be kept...and somewhere down the line I started to use that strategy in my life with everyone close to me. My wife and I basically never fought until I asked her to leave last year, and that was a huge mistake.

I am now trying to be better at having what I would call healthy conflict, and not letting things build up. It really isn't easy for me, as my emotional tools really aren't that developed. Its fucking stupid that someone who loves to debate as much as I do, and someone who can get into it at the drop of a hat with a stranger, has such a hard time arguing with people I care about. I'm scared of hurting their feelings that is for sure, as I hate hurting people, and I guess that I am also scared that by having a conflict they will just say "fuck it" and be done with me. I know that may sound really stupid, and I hate to admit it...but I think that is really the core problem I have with conflict.

When I use to date, whenever I would have a fight with a girlfriend it would always be the end, it was extremely rare for me to have a fight with a girl and continue to see her. Is that sick or what?! I'm not sure why it always worked out that way, although looking back I bet it was my fault. I didn't really develop the skill to fight with confidence, that I could have a big fight with a woman and know that no matter what we would still be ok when the dust settles. That unspoken fear I guess has been with me for a long time. It sounds a bit drama-queen of me, but whatever its true!

I have been trying to be better, and not let resentment build up, and when I have an issue with someone I care about I am trying to engage. That fear of what the conflict may lead to is still with me, I'm not sure exactly how to make it go away, but I am learning to just push through it. I think its fucking stupid that a man of my age (37) is only now learning this lesson! I have tried very hard to teach my son that its ok to express his opinion and feelings and doing so doesn't mean he will break his relationship with his parents or friends. I have made a point of teaching him this, as he and I share so many personality traits that I don't want him to make the same stupid mistakes I have made in my life.

Another self indulgent post! If you dont like it...dont read it! :P

What does it mean to be happy?

When we were are all that small happy was a fairly easy concept, as we get older and mature happiness somehow becomes much more complex. How important is it to be happy? We as humans must value it, as the pursuit of happiness is literally written into The Declaration of Independence of the United States. So I know I am not on thin ice to believe that being happy is really important.

Trying to define what is to be happy is difficult, as that word means so much to so many people. In my last post I mentioned that I am unhappy, does that mean that I am doom and gloom all of the time? Do I go out and kick puppies and have a general hate on for the world? Well, ok sometimes I have a general hate on for the world, but that's just me! I most definitely have happy moments in my life. Watching my son sleep, is a feeling I wish I could bottle and feel all of the time it is so wonderful. The feeling I get from conversations I have with an extraordinary friend is also truly awesome, and is something I wish I could feel all of the time. So, I have happy times even while I am unhappy....how weird is that?! Well that is the nature of being an irrational human being!

To further cloud the matters, being aware of my own unhappiness means I am more aware of when I am feeling unhappy or happy and I think I may over-analyze both. Since I am being so self indulgent right now, I might as well go all the way. I wonder why I am wired the way I am, that I even ponder such things, wouldn't life be alot easier on me on those around me if I would just stop struggling with such things and just live life?

This quote sums up my thoughts on this:

“...a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality.” — Bernard Shaw

I guess what I am trying to say is I want happiness on my own terms, how selfish is that?! Is that goal even possible, well I do believe it is because most of my life I would say I have been happy, or even very happy. Life has dealt me the normal ups and downs that most people face, but on the whole I would say I have been happy most of my life.

My mom noticed several years ago that I had changed, I just wasn't myself. I was no longer the energetic funny talkative man I had always been. When she first made these comments I thought she was on crack, I was the same guy as always, or so I thought. Its only now, after really reflecting on my feelings that I realize that she was right (god I hate it that my mom is right!), somewhere along the lines the man I was changed. Well we all change as we get older, right?! True, we certainly do change, but this change wasn't a natural evolution or growth, I think it was a response to what life was dealing me at the time, a way to cope.

What did I have to cope with? Well my wife had some mystery illness, and we had a new baby. A baby by itself is rather stressful, but add on it a terrible illness to the woman you love. We didn't know what was wrong with her, but she had no energy for anything. She pushed herself very hard just to take care of my son during the day, so by the time I got home at night she was done. So I took on the majority of the house work, all of the normal household errands and alot of help with the baby. My vision of the future changed from what will life hold for our little family, to how will we make it through today. There was the stress of just getting through the day and the added stress of not knowing what the fuck was wrong with my wife, the stress of the baby (and the lack of sleep which goes along with that) and of course the stress of work.

We had so many stupid suggestions from everyone about how to deal with things, while all of these idea's were meant to help, all they did was piss me off to no end, especially suggestions to do with "alternative medicine" otherwise known as complete and utter bullshit.

My anxiety disorder kicked into high gear during this period, which is not really a surprise as it was a physical manifestation of my stress. When I get stressed my body rebels in those silly ways, even today I get chest/back pain when I am feeling stressed. I am thankful that I seem to have overcome panic attacks, so of course my body decided to fuck me over with all of these pains instead once I was able to deal with the panic attacks!

Where was I? Oh ya, so I had alot of pressure on me, and clearly that much pressure over several years began to just burn me out completely. Part of what burned out of me, it seems was my happiness. I became very aware of my own unhappiness, but I felt really trapped and basically didn't know what to do. For several months I just carried my unhappiness around my neck, it weighed me down and clouded everything. My mom could tell that I was really nearing the end of my rope, I confessed to her that I was just feeling done with everything. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't suicidal or anything, I was just at the snapping point and I knew it. Around that time I finally told my wife I was done simply done. This news hit her out of no where, at the time she said she did not see it coming. Now she argues that she knew I was unhappy, but at the time she says she had no idea.

We separated she went back home to Israel with my son, and by some miracle her illness improved dramatically while she was home. She came back in time for my son to return to school and now we are back to the same situation we were in a year ago.

I am completely disconnected from her which is a very odd sensation for me to be in, while I am this skeptical fuck most of the time, I also have this giant emotional streak which basically drives me...so its a very odd sensation for me to be so completely disconnected from her. Don't ask me where my emotional streak comes from, but its obvious to everyone, in fact two people from work this year have told me that I am the most sensitive man they have ever met (one was a woman and one a man), which means I am far more transparent than I thought I was. So much for being a cool dude I guess! So I am this really sensitive guy who is totally emotionally disconnected from his wife, it is a sensation which I have a hard time describing, other than to say it bothers me greatly. My emotions tend to lead me, I have great faith in them, and to be disconnected tells me something.

Man...reading all I have written, I am pretty self centered...whatever fuck it.

I'm Back!

Just like the Terminator and General MacArthur, I have returned! Its been more than two years since I last blogged, so I wiped my previous blog completely to start anew.

Where do I begin? A rant about religion, politics, idiots? How about how things are with me?

My life is in the midst of massive change. I wish I could say everything has been roses and cream since I last blogged but that hasn't been the case. In the last incarnation of this blog, I spoke about my anxiety issues, which thankfully have been under control. I understand the root cause of these issues now, which is basically down to me being unhappy. I think I will dig into some of these issues on this blog...ug nothing like a self indulgent blog, like the world needs another one of those!!!

Expect alot more to come in the following days!