Conflict, is something I am not good at, at least not with those I care about. I have no problem getting into arguments with strangers or people I don't know that well, in fact when I was a young punk growing up from time to time I would come to blows with people to settle a dispute, thankfully I have grown past that!Although I have a love of debate, I have a problem expressing my feelings with people I care about if I think that by expressing myself I will hurt their feelings. On the one hand I have this very strong personality, where I engage people in heated debate on all kinds of very sensitive issues all of the time, yet when it comes to my personal life I dare not express my feelings on many subjects for fear of causing hurt.
When I get to a certain point, when I am well and truly angry I can become very blunt and my care for hurting the other person drops dramatically. Even when I am totally pissed off and in the heat of a rage I don't resort to name calling or yelling...its just not what I do. Instances where I get to that level of anger are very rare, but they do happen. My problem, and it is a problem is that I shouldn't wait to get to that level of anger before I am willing to engage in a conflict.
The real problem with my approach is that by saving someones feelings in the short term, I end up doing damage in the long term. I mean, that if you have feelings about something, and you suppress them, or ignore them, you eventually build up resentment. Resentment is a massive threat to a relationship, as it slowly destroys things without you even being aware that its happening.
I use to argue all of the time with my sisters, especially when I was younger, but they would always personalize things and our fights would turn nasty. I found that if I didn't engage, peace would be kept...and somewhere down the line I started to use that strategy in my life with everyone close to me. My wife and I basically never fought until I asked her to leave last year, and that was a huge mistake.
I am now trying to be better at having what I would call healthy conflict, and not letting things build up. It really isn't easy for me, as my emotional tools really aren't that developed. Its fucking stupid that someone who loves to debate as much as I do, and someone who can get into it at the drop of a hat with a stranger, has such a hard time arguing with people I care about. I'm scared of hurting their feelings that is for sure, as I hate hurting people, and I guess that I am also scared that by having a conflict they will just say "fuck it" and be done with me. I know that may sound really stupid, and I hate to admit it...but I think that is really the core problem I have with conflict.
When I use to date, whenever I would have a fight with a girlfriend it would always be the end, it was extremely rare for me to have a fight with a girl and continue to see her. Is that sick or what?! I'm not sure why it always worked out that way, although looking back I bet it was my fault. I didn't really develop the skill to fight with confidence, that I could have a big fight with a woman and know that no matter what we would still be ok when the dust settles. That unspoken fear I guess has been with me for a long time. It sounds a bit drama-queen of me, but whatever its true!
I have been trying to be better, and not let resentment build up, and when I have an issue with someone I care about I am trying to engage. That fear of what the conflict may lead to is still with me, I'm not sure exactly how to make it go away, but I am learning to just push through it. I think its fucking stupid that a man of my age (37) is only now learning this lesson! I have tried very hard to teach my son that its ok to express his opinion and feelings and doing so doesn't mean he will break his relationship with his parents or friends. I have made a point of teaching him this, as he and I share so many personality traits that I don't want him to make the same stupid mistakes I have made in my life.
Another self indulgent post! If you dont like it...dont read it! :P
2 comments:
I think I too had to learn how to 'fight fair', hot to be candid in expressing myself.
Recently I had to have an intense and candid conversation with my in-laws, there was big potential for it destroying our relationship. I begun by stating that there would be uncomfortable things said but no matter what we would still preserve the relationship and be respectful.
When you need to have challenging conversations, it think it can be helpful to state what you want to still be intact after the conversation has taken place. Essentially you put out a marker that says, we will go this far and no further.
Another thing to pay attention to is how a conflict can escalate, each escalation makes it more difficult to resolve so be aware when you do escalate (sometimes this is needed) and understand if you are willing to endure the added cost of escalation.
I am learning about all this stuff too, so apologies if I come off like an amateur expert. I am an amatuer but I am no expert.
I think its very hard to limit the extent of a conflict. I think the vast majority of healthy conflict between people doesn't end with the destruction of the relationship.
My problem is fearing just that, if I say something which upsets the other person, that the relationship itself is in peril.
This is not the fault of the other person, its my own fears, which has paralyzed me for a long time.
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