Tears

My son was crying the other day and I told him it was ok to cry, and he replied that I never cry...how wrong he is. Its funny after my father died (1993) I don't think I cried until until my son was in the hospital with complications after birth, which would mean I basically didn't cry for 9 years. I didn't cry much after that incident with my son either, not for years. I have made up for it over the last year or two.

From Wikipedia "According to a study of over 300 adults, on average men cry once every month, and women cry at least five times per month", so it looks like people cry a lot more than I use to! From the same article "Due to the chemical composition of emotional tears, some scientists have hypothesized that a function of crying is to rid the body of stress hormones. " I totally agree with this, crying tends to make me feel better, while its certainly not the be all ended, it does help take the edge off of emotions for me.

I was kind of happy that my son hadn't been aware of me crying, not that I'm ashamed of it, or because I think it shows a lack of manliness, but more because it shows he hasn't been too aware of the stress between my wife and myself.

My wife and son left today for Israel, and he gave me his stuffed wolf "Arfy" to take care of. I've had this stuffed wolf by my side since he left...I've shed a few tears since then as well...

Attraction

Wikipedia refers to attraction as "the attraction between people which leads to friendships and romantic relationships...in a colloquial sense, interpersonal attraction is related to how much we like, love, dislike, or hate someone. Interpersonal attraction can be thought of as a force acting between two people tending to draw them together, and resisting their separation...attraction is a person's qualities that tend to attract by appealing to another person's desires."

So what is it that draws us together? How much of what attracts us to other people is instinct and how much is more thoughtful? Does what attracts us change over time? I think the latter question is the easiest to answer, that is yes what we are attracted to over time certainly changes. When we are teenagers and young adults the very things that attract us to some people can be repulsive when we get older. The silly bravado of young men is often appealing to young women (or so it seems to me), yet this quality in an older man looks foolish and pathetic and upon closer inspection speaks to a lack of self confidence rather than an excess of it.

I think there is an element of what is often referred to as animal magnetism between the sexes, where one feels attracted to another for a reason which is difficult to define. As we get older in particular this isn't enough to sustain a relationship. We demand more from a relationship than this purely instinctual attraction, well ok, some people don't demand more...but people who have a clue certainly do.

Can you have a relationship with someone when this instinctual portion of the attraction isn't there? I'm not sure, as it does seem to be a basic or foundational aspect of our human relationships. I would like to be an idealist and say that yes indeed people can overcome a lack of animal magnetism and have a successful relationship, but the realist tells me that may not be the case. Or perhaps the reality is I am not capable of overcoming that type of gap and I really shouldn't speak for everyone else!

So what attracts us to each other? Are there things that we look for in partners? Or do we meet someone and that animal magnetism hits and we just appreciate the qualities of the person we feel the instinctual attraction to? I think the reality is that we do this to a degree, that we meet someone and things click, and we appreciate their qualities. I do think the more mature we are ( I wont say older as I think some people are better at this at younger ages) the more we are able to identify the things we want and need from a person in a relationship. It shouldn't be a surprise that what we want or need changes as we evolve. I guess the hope is to be in a relationship with someone who you grow together with.

What is it that draws us together? I think part of it has to be how the other person makes you feel about yourself. Which is why I can never understand people in abusive relationships, why stay with someone who makes you feel badly about yourself? Why do people stay with someone who calls them "stupid" or "ugly" or tells them their ideas are "stupid" etc? I just don't understand this at all. I have known more than one very intelligent attractive woman who has put up with this kind of treat meant, and I simply don't understand it at all. I wonder if there is an excitement quality that I just don't see. I think a real partner is someone who builds you up, not someone who tears you down.

I am really not an expert on this topic, hell Im not an expert on any topic of the heart...the one thing I have concluded is that human attraction is very complicated and is a moving target which is really not all that rational.

Sex is it serious business?

"Casual sex " is a term I have never really been able to get my mind around, ok I know what it means! Im not a complete idiot...I mean its something that I have a hard time internalizing. I can't picture myself being able to have sex which is basically devoid of meaning other than the act itself. I will admit that when I was very young I had a few what I would describe as meaningless encounters only because I didn't know what was going on, nor did I really think I would score!

I take sex and the stuff that surrounds it seriously, and have done so for a very long time, and this attitude has certainly caused me to have less sex than I could have had. I can recall several occassions while I was in university where I could have scored but I didnt follow through. I was a health nut in university and a gym freak, so I did get some attention from the fairer sex. I guess it didn't help that I was "scared" of women and didn't know how to speak to them. UG Im getting off topic here, back to sex, or the lack of sex...

My parents were rather puritan in their views, and all they ever said to us kids about sex was "Dont have it until you are married" which equipped all of the kids with great tools to function in the modern world!! I am sure that the serious upbringing from my parents is part of the reason for my attitude on sex.

My real question to myself is has this attitude served me well? Why take sex so seriously? Why not just have fun with it? Does sex have to be serious business? Is it really wrong to just have "fun" sex between consenting adults? I know the way Im wired I doubt I would be able to have casual sex as I would be wracked with guilt...for some reason to me sex is meant to be more than the act itself. Ok, another factor is I doubt I would be able to feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone I don't know or trust. I don't judge those who are having casual sex, I am pretty liberal in my views on sex, so its not a matter of that.

I guess from my last several posts its pretty clear that I am have some existential issues, which is nothing new for me, but given the life changes I am going through I am taking stock of alot of things. I wonder what good times I have deprived myself of, just because I hold such a romantic or sentimental view of sex. Should sex only be an expression of love?!

I guess I have sex on the brain because sex is a good stress reliever and I am going through a bit of stress...so of course because Im a fucktard I don't only think about having sex, but about the meaning behind sex...sigh...

Anger and Conflict

Conflict, is something I am not good at, at least not with those I care about. I have no problem getting into arguments with strangers or people I don't know that well, in fact when I was a young punk growing up from time to time I would come to blows with people to settle a dispute, thankfully I have grown past that!

Although I have a love of debate, I have a problem expressing my feelings with people I care about if I think that by expressing myself I will hurt their feelings. On the one hand I have this very strong personality, where I engage people in heated debate on all kinds of very sensitive issues all of the time, yet when it comes to my personal life I dare not express my feelings on many subjects for fear of causing hurt.

When I get to a certain point, when I am well and truly angry I can become very blunt and my care for hurting the other person drops dramatically. Even when I am totally pissed off and in the heat of a rage I don't resort to name calling or yelling...its just not what I do. Instances where I get to that level of anger are very rare, but they do happen. My problem, and it is a problem is that I shouldn't wait to get to that level of anger before I am willing to engage in a conflict.

The real problem with my approach is that by saving someones feelings in the short term, I end up doing damage in the long term. I mean, that if you have feelings about something, and you suppress them, or ignore them, you eventually build up resentment. Resentment is a massive threat to a relationship, as it slowly destroys things without you even being aware that its happening.

I use to argue all of the time with my sisters, especially when I was younger, but they would always personalize things and our fights would turn nasty. I found that if I didn't engage, peace would be kept...and somewhere down the line I started to use that strategy in my life with everyone close to me. My wife and I basically never fought until I asked her to leave last year, and that was a huge mistake.

I am now trying to be better at having what I would call healthy conflict, and not letting things build up. It really isn't easy for me, as my emotional tools really aren't that developed. Its fucking stupid that someone who loves to debate as much as I do, and someone who can get into it at the drop of a hat with a stranger, has such a hard time arguing with people I care about. I'm scared of hurting their feelings that is for sure, as I hate hurting people, and I guess that I am also scared that by having a conflict they will just say "fuck it" and be done with me. I know that may sound really stupid, and I hate to admit it...but I think that is really the core problem I have with conflict.

When I use to date, whenever I would have a fight with a girlfriend it would always be the end, it was extremely rare for me to have a fight with a girl and continue to see her. Is that sick or what?! I'm not sure why it always worked out that way, although looking back I bet it was my fault. I didn't really develop the skill to fight with confidence, that I could have a big fight with a woman and know that no matter what we would still be ok when the dust settles. That unspoken fear I guess has been with me for a long time. It sounds a bit drama-queen of me, but whatever its true!

I have been trying to be better, and not let resentment build up, and when I have an issue with someone I care about I am trying to engage. That fear of what the conflict may lead to is still with me, I'm not sure exactly how to make it go away, but I am learning to just push through it. I think its fucking stupid that a man of my age (37) is only now learning this lesson! I have tried very hard to teach my son that its ok to express his opinion and feelings and doing so doesn't mean he will break his relationship with his parents or friends. I have made a point of teaching him this, as he and I share so many personality traits that I don't want him to make the same stupid mistakes I have made in my life.

Another self indulgent post! If you dont like it...dont read it! :P

What does it mean to be happy?

When we were are all that small happy was a fairly easy concept, as we get older and mature happiness somehow becomes much more complex. How important is it to be happy? We as humans must value it, as the pursuit of happiness is literally written into The Declaration of Independence of the United States. So I know I am not on thin ice to believe that being happy is really important.

Trying to define what is to be happy is difficult, as that word means so much to so many people. In my last post I mentioned that I am unhappy, does that mean that I am doom and gloom all of the time? Do I go out and kick puppies and have a general hate on for the world? Well, ok sometimes I have a general hate on for the world, but that's just me! I most definitely have happy moments in my life. Watching my son sleep, is a feeling I wish I could bottle and feel all of the time it is so wonderful. The feeling I get from conversations I have with an extraordinary friend is also truly awesome, and is something I wish I could feel all of the time. So, I have happy times even while I am unhappy....how weird is that?! Well that is the nature of being an irrational human being!

To further cloud the matters, being aware of my own unhappiness means I am more aware of when I am feeling unhappy or happy and I think I may over-analyze both. Since I am being so self indulgent right now, I might as well go all the way. I wonder why I am wired the way I am, that I even ponder such things, wouldn't life be alot easier on me on those around me if I would just stop struggling with such things and just live life?

This quote sums up my thoughts on this:

“...a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality.” — Bernard Shaw

I guess what I am trying to say is I want happiness on my own terms, how selfish is that?! Is that goal even possible, well I do believe it is because most of my life I would say I have been happy, or even very happy. Life has dealt me the normal ups and downs that most people face, but on the whole I would say I have been happy most of my life.

My mom noticed several years ago that I had changed, I just wasn't myself. I was no longer the energetic funny talkative man I had always been. When she first made these comments I thought she was on crack, I was the same guy as always, or so I thought. Its only now, after really reflecting on my feelings that I realize that she was right (god I hate it that my mom is right!), somewhere along the lines the man I was changed. Well we all change as we get older, right?! True, we certainly do change, but this change wasn't a natural evolution or growth, I think it was a response to what life was dealing me at the time, a way to cope.

What did I have to cope with? Well my wife had some mystery illness, and we had a new baby. A baby by itself is rather stressful, but add on it a terrible illness to the woman you love. We didn't know what was wrong with her, but she had no energy for anything. She pushed herself very hard just to take care of my son during the day, so by the time I got home at night she was done. So I took on the majority of the house work, all of the normal household errands and alot of help with the baby. My vision of the future changed from what will life hold for our little family, to how will we make it through today. There was the stress of just getting through the day and the added stress of not knowing what the fuck was wrong with my wife, the stress of the baby (and the lack of sleep which goes along with that) and of course the stress of work.

We had so many stupid suggestions from everyone about how to deal with things, while all of these idea's were meant to help, all they did was piss me off to no end, especially suggestions to do with "alternative medicine" otherwise known as complete and utter bullshit.

My anxiety disorder kicked into high gear during this period, which is not really a surprise as it was a physical manifestation of my stress. When I get stressed my body rebels in those silly ways, even today I get chest/back pain when I am feeling stressed. I am thankful that I seem to have overcome panic attacks, so of course my body decided to fuck me over with all of these pains instead once I was able to deal with the panic attacks!

Where was I? Oh ya, so I had alot of pressure on me, and clearly that much pressure over several years began to just burn me out completely. Part of what burned out of me, it seems was my happiness. I became very aware of my own unhappiness, but I felt really trapped and basically didn't know what to do. For several months I just carried my unhappiness around my neck, it weighed me down and clouded everything. My mom could tell that I was really nearing the end of my rope, I confessed to her that I was just feeling done with everything. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't suicidal or anything, I was just at the snapping point and I knew it. Around that time I finally told my wife I was done simply done. This news hit her out of no where, at the time she said she did not see it coming. Now she argues that she knew I was unhappy, but at the time she says she had no idea.

We separated she went back home to Israel with my son, and by some miracle her illness improved dramatically while she was home. She came back in time for my son to return to school and now we are back to the same situation we were in a year ago.

I am completely disconnected from her which is a very odd sensation for me to be in, while I am this skeptical fuck most of the time, I also have this giant emotional streak which basically drives me...so its a very odd sensation for me to be so completely disconnected from her. Don't ask me where my emotional streak comes from, but its obvious to everyone, in fact two people from work this year have told me that I am the most sensitive man they have ever met (one was a woman and one a man), which means I am far more transparent than I thought I was. So much for being a cool dude I guess! So I am this really sensitive guy who is totally emotionally disconnected from his wife, it is a sensation which I have a hard time describing, other than to say it bothers me greatly. My emotions tend to lead me, I have great faith in them, and to be disconnected tells me something.

Man...reading all I have written, I am pretty self centered...whatever fuck it.

I'm Back!

Just like the Terminator and General MacArthur, I have returned! Its been more than two years since I last blogged, so I wiped my previous blog completely to start anew.

Where do I begin? A rant about religion, politics, idiots? How about how things are with me?

My life is in the midst of massive change. I wish I could say everything has been roses and cream since I last blogged but that hasn't been the case. In the last incarnation of this blog, I spoke about my anxiety issues, which thankfully have been under control. I understand the root cause of these issues now, which is basically down to me being unhappy. I think I will dig into some of these issues on this blog...ug nothing like a self indulgent blog, like the world needs another one of those!!!

Expect alot more to come in the following days!