Attraction

Wikipedia refers to attraction as "the attraction between people which leads to friendships and romantic relationships...in a colloquial sense, interpersonal attraction is related to how much we like, love, dislike, or hate someone. Interpersonal attraction can be thought of as a force acting between two people tending to draw them together, and resisting their separation...attraction is a person's qualities that tend to attract by appealing to another person's desires."

So what is it that draws us together? How much of what attracts us to other people is instinct and how much is more thoughtful? Does what attracts us change over time? I think the latter question is the easiest to answer, that is yes what we are attracted to over time certainly changes. When we are teenagers and young adults the very things that attract us to some people can be repulsive when we get older. The silly bravado of young men is often appealing to young women (or so it seems to me), yet this quality in an older man looks foolish and pathetic and upon closer inspection speaks to a lack of self confidence rather than an excess of it.

I think there is an element of what is often referred to as animal magnetism between the sexes, where one feels attracted to another for a reason which is difficult to define. As we get older in particular this isn't enough to sustain a relationship. We demand more from a relationship than this purely instinctual attraction, well ok, some people don't demand more...but people who have a clue certainly do.

Can you have a relationship with someone when this instinctual portion of the attraction isn't there? I'm not sure, as it does seem to be a basic or foundational aspect of our human relationships. I would like to be an idealist and say that yes indeed people can overcome a lack of animal magnetism and have a successful relationship, but the realist tells me that may not be the case. Or perhaps the reality is I am not capable of overcoming that type of gap and I really shouldn't speak for everyone else!

So what attracts us to each other? Are there things that we look for in partners? Or do we meet someone and that animal magnetism hits and we just appreciate the qualities of the person we feel the instinctual attraction to? I think the reality is that we do this to a degree, that we meet someone and things click, and we appreciate their qualities. I do think the more mature we are ( I wont say older as I think some people are better at this at younger ages) the more we are able to identify the things we want and need from a person in a relationship. It shouldn't be a surprise that what we want or need changes as we evolve. I guess the hope is to be in a relationship with someone who you grow together with.

What is it that draws us together? I think part of it has to be how the other person makes you feel about yourself. Which is why I can never understand people in abusive relationships, why stay with someone who makes you feel badly about yourself? Why do people stay with someone who calls them "stupid" or "ugly" or tells them their ideas are "stupid" etc? I just don't understand this at all. I have known more than one very intelligent attractive woman who has put up with this kind of treat meant, and I simply don't understand it at all. I wonder if there is an excitement quality that I just don't see. I think a real partner is someone who builds you up, not someone who tears you down.

I am really not an expert on this topic, hell Im not an expert on any topic of the heart...the one thing I have concluded is that human attraction is very complicated and is a moving target which is really not all that rational.