When we were are all that small happy was a fairly easy concept, as we get older and mature happiness somehow becomes much more complex. How important is it to be happy? We as humans must value it, as the pursuit of happiness is literally written into The Declaration of Independence of the United States. So I know I am not on thin ice to believe that being happy is really important.Trying to define what is to be happy is difficult, as that word means so much to so many people. In my last post I mentioned that I am unhappy, does that mean that I am doom and gloom all of the time? Do I go out and kick puppies and have a general hate on for the world? Well, ok sometimes I have a general hate on for the world, but that's just me! I most definitely have happy moments in my life. Watching my son sleep, is a feeling I wish I could bottle and feel all of the time it is so wonderful. The feeling I get from conversations I have with an extraordinary friend is also truly awesome, and is something I wish I could feel all of the time. So, I have happy times even while I am unhappy....how weird is that?! Well that is the nature of being an irrational human being!
To further cloud the matters, being aware of my own unhappiness means I am more aware of when I am feeling unhappy or happy and I think I may over-analyze both. Since I am being so self indulgent right now, I might as well go all the way. I wonder why I am wired the way I am, that I even ponder such things, wouldn't life be alot easier on me on those around me if I would just stop struggling with such things and just live life?
This quote sums up my thoughts on this:
“...a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality.” — Bernard Shaw
I guess what I am trying to say is I want happiness on my own terms, how selfish is that?! Is that goal even possible, well I do believe it is because most of my life I would say I have been happy, or even very happy. Life has dealt me the normal ups and downs that most people face, but on the whole I would say I have been happy most of my life.
My mom noticed several years ago that I had changed, I just wasn't myself. I was no longer the energetic funny talkative man I had always been. When she first made these comments I thought she was on crack, I was the same guy as always, or so I thought. Its only now, after really reflecting on my feelings that I realize that she was right (god I hate it that my mom is right!), somewhere along the lines the man I was changed. Well we all change as we get older, right?! True, we certainly do change, but this change wasn't a natural evolution or growth, I think it was a response to what life was dealing me at the time, a way to cope.
What did I have to cope with? Well my wife had some mystery illness, and we had a new baby. A baby by itself is rather stressful, but add on it a terrible illness to the woman you love. We didn't know what was wrong with her, but she had no energy for anything. She pushed herself very hard just to take care of my son during the day, so by the time I got home at night she was done. So I took on the majority of the house work, all of the normal household errands and alot of help with the baby. My vision of the future changed from what will life hold for our little family, to how will we make it through today. There was the stress of just getting through the day and the added stress of not knowing what the fuck was wrong with my wife, the stress of the baby (and the lack of sleep which goes along with that) and of course the stress of work.
We had so many stupid suggestions from everyone about how to deal with things, while all of these idea's were meant to help, all they did was piss me off to no end, especially suggestions to do with "alternative medicine" otherwise known as complete and utter bullshit.
My anxiety disorder kicked into high gear during this period, which is not really a surprise as it was a physical manifestation of my stress. When I get stressed my body rebels in those silly ways, even today I get chest/back pain when I am feeling stressed. I am thankful that I seem to have overcome panic attacks, so of course my body decided to fuck me over with all of these pains instead once I was able to deal with the panic attacks!
Where was I? Oh ya, so I had alot of pressure on me, and clearly that much pressure over several years began to just burn me out completely. Part of what burned out of me, it seems was my happiness. I became very aware of my own unhappiness, but I felt really trapped and basically didn't know what to do. For several months I just carried my unhappiness around my neck, it weighed me down and clouded everything. My mom could tell that I was really nearing the end of my rope, I confessed to her that I was just feeling done with everything. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't suicidal or anything, I was just at the snapping point and I knew it. Around that time I finally told my wife I was done simply done. This news hit her out of no where, at the time she said she did not see it coming. Now she argues that she knew I was unhappy, but at the time she says she had no idea.
We separated she went back home to Israel with my son, and by some miracle her illness improved dramatically while she was home. She came back in time for my son to return to school and now we are back to the same situation we were in a year ago.
I am completely disconnected from her which is a very odd sensation for me to be in, while I am this skeptical fuck most of the time, I also have this giant emotional streak which basically drives me...so its a very odd sensation for me to be so completely disconnected from her. Don't ask me where my emotional streak comes from, but its obvious to everyone, in fact two people from work this year have told me that I am the most sensitive man they have ever met (one was a woman and one a man), which means I am far more transparent than I thought I was. So much for being a cool dude I guess! So I am this really sensitive guy who is totally emotionally disconnected from his wife, it is a sensation which I have a hard time describing, other than to say it bothers me greatly. My emotions tend to lead me, I have great faith in them, and to be disconnected tells me something.
Man...reading all I have written, I am pretty self centered...whatever fuck it.
2 comments:
Great post. Now some of what we have discussed seems to make more sense.
Is happiness an end in itself or just a by-product? Some part of me thinks that we have to have meaning and purpose in our life, if we have this, we increase the odds of also been happy.
When relationships fail what we thought was meaningful no longer is, or at least the meaning has changed. It is not surprising that we might fell unhappy.
On the topic of introspection Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living" but I think we need to balance this because "the live not lived is not worth examining. In other words, we need some thought and reflection but we also need action.
I personally believe you can't think your way out of depression or sadness. Thought and reflection are necessary but not sufficient. I think we need to make changes, we need to take action also.
I agree that you cannot think your way out of a depression.
I know that I over-analyze things, and over think things. I am trying hard to limit this behavior.
I think happiness is a by-product of the life you are living, just as being unhappy is also a by-product.
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